The pressures of being a parent are equal to any pressure on earth. To be a conscious parent, and really look to that little being's mental and physical health, is a responsibility which most of us, including me, avoid most of the time because it's too hard. John Lennon
Navigating "Island" Parenting is a submission of quotes, tips and parenting advice that I have gathered over the years as a source of inspiration and as tools to deal with the daily challenges of parenting. This week’s issue features, An Excerpt from 21 Questions that Successful Parent’s Ask Themselves - Do I Use Guilt to get my kids to do what I want? by Dr. Ed Wimberly, Talk about School with Your Kids: Going beyond the question of how was your day? By Julie Pelligrino, Parenting Quotes, and My Own Parenting Insight.
The hope is that this submission would make the journey of parenting a bit easier or brighter, even if it is for one person. Parenting is hard work. We need as much support as possible. Given our culture, as parents we are also not apt to ask for help, as it expected that we already know everything. This is a fallacy that we have to overcome.
As West Indians we also consider our way or style of parenting to be the best way of parenting, but any good thing can be made even better. I am also aware that with the heightened political climate that there is anxiety and tension, parents can become easily overwhelmed. Let us not forget life’s everyday challenges, any bit of advice or support that would help us navigate island parenting can go a long way.
An Excerpt from: Parenting with an Attitude- 21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves
Dr. Ed Wimberly
Question #3: Do I use guilt to get my kids to do what I want?
“If our efforts to shape, motivate, and influence our kids bring about desired behaviors, but at the same time create in them unhealthy patterns of guilt-motivated actions, then we have won the battle but lost the war.”
What’s the Bottom Line?
Motivating and shaping our kids is certainly an important part of being a good parent—and a huge responsibility. Instilling a sense of right and wrong—feeling good when they do right and feeling badly when they do wrong—is also a big part of our task as parents. After all, isn’t that what conscience development is all about? How we motivate our children plays a vital role in how they grow up viewing and valuing themselves and their world.
If our attempts to shape and to motivate them brings about immediate desired changes but create in them unhealthy patterns of guilt-motivated behaviors, then, truly, we will have lost the war. On the other hand, if we value and strive for not only appropriate behavior change in our kids, but the healthy and productive shaping of their character and conscience as well, then we must find constructive and growth producing ways of challenging them without employing the use of guilt. Since our goal is to raise great, healthy and anger-free kids, there is simply no place for the use of guilt in our parenting tool box.
Discussion Questions:
1. Did your parents use guilt to get you to do what they wanted?
2. How did their use of guilt – or lack thereof – affect you as a child?
3. Does the approach they used regarding guilt have an affect now on your life as an adult?
4. Do you use guilt to get your kids to do what you want? If so, how does it seem to be affecting your relationship with them?
5. How does your use of guilt seem to be affecting them in their relationship with others?
6. If you consistently use guilt with your kids and want to change, what are some other ways you could motivate them?
Talk about School with Your Kids: Going beyond “How was your day?”
By Julie Pelligrino
After you have a solid foundation of the activities planned for your child, it’s time to ask more relevant questions. I encourage parents to ask their child more in-depth questions about the activities planned throughout their day. I use this strategy with my own kindergartner and preschooler and find that it ignites conversations beyond “fine.”
At the end of the day, children get excited to share information when you give them a topic they’re excited about.
To give a more concrete example, here’s a set of questions that can be used to help facilitate discussions.
To give a more concrete example, here’s a set of questions that can be used to help facilitate discussions.
• Which story did your teacher read to the class today?
• What was your favorite part of the story?
• What was [insert another child’s name] favorite part of the story?
• What does your teacher have planned this week?
• What are you looking forward to at school tomorrow?
• What has been your most favorite activity this year (ask this at various points throughout the year)?
• What was your favorite part of your day?
• Did you get frustrated with anything at school today?
• Were you able to finish all of your work today?
• Do you have any questions that maybe your teacher couldn’t answer?
• What did you have for lunch (or, snack)?
• Who did you sit by during lunch? What did you all talk about?
• Who did you play with today?
• What are your friends doing this weekend?
Why it is important to talk about school with your kids?
Specific questions about activities are helpful in many ways. On one hand, the answers to these questions clue me in on whether my daughter is paying attention and focusing in school. Secondly, the answers convey whether the teacher is engaging his/her students in literature each day (something you should look for as a good component of a reading program).
Questions pertaining to social aspects provide information on social development. By asking questions about recess or group activities, you can easily understand how your child is interacting with others. In addition, these questions help to identify any issues that may be brewing amongst students.
Ultimately, if you ask your child three specific questions after school, you can gain some valuable insight. Aim to ask one academic question, one social question, and one open-ended question such as “What was your favorite part of your day?”
Parenting Quotes
The most precious jewels you will have around your neck are the arms of your children. Unknown
Train the parent and spare the child. Duane Alan Hahn
A torn jacket is soon mended, but hard words bruise the heart of a child. Henry W. Longfellow
Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds, so that you may be better able to discover with accuracy the peculiar bent of the genius of each. Plato
The most precious jewels you will have around your neck are the arms of your children. Unknown
My Own Parenting Insight
As I sneak a few minutes to put this column together one son is snoring on the couch next to me and the other is tugging at me and the laptop wanting his apple juice. Everything comes to a sudden halt so that he may have my undivided attention. Son on lap now juice to his head, I reflect on life before becoming a parent, and also the things that many people forget to tell you to enjoy before becoming a parent such as quiet, free time, long showers, long naps, not having to share your bed or personal space, free thoughts, and savouring every meal.
I recall having lunch one day and wolfing down my food; I looked across and saw a lady staring at me, my only response was, “I am sorry it’s been like this since I have had my sons, even when they are not around I find myself eating very fast, I guess a learnt behavior from their early years as I would have to rush my meals so that I could care for them, or do chores before they stirred.” The lady looked at me and smiled. She said, “My youngest is twenty-five and I still eat very fast.” I returned the smile. It wasn’t just me after all, I thought.
You miss the little things, but when you look at what you have gained or how tremendously your life has been transformed, how your heart has been widened, and how fiercely you love, you can’t help but be appreciative and think that you wouldn’t have it any other way.
*************************
DISCLAIMER
This article was posted in its entirety as received by SKNVibes.com. This media house does not correct any spelling or grammatical error within press releases and commentaries. The views expressed therein are not necessarily those of SKNVibes.com, its sponsors or advertisers
.jpg)